Reframing Failure in Family Business

How to Create an Environment for Growth and Connection

Mistakes and failures are accepted and a normal part of learning in an unconditional family culture. This is not only important in young families, but equally important in adult families and family businesses. In the scenario below, the family uses this difficult situation as a method of reframing failure and as an opportunity to connect in loving and supportive ways with one another.

Setting the scene

Sofia and Juan own a restaurant. They have three young adult children: twenty-six-year-old Isabella, twenty-nine-year-old Maria, and thirty-two-year-old Ana. Their children all live nearby and work at the family restaurant. Sofia and Juan came to my office because they were completely distraught and worried about bill collectors and nasty letters they were receiving from restaurant suppliers. Apparently, they owed an exorbitant amount on unpaid invoices to their suppliers. They were confused because, according to their records, all the restaurant contracts had been fulfilled and paid.

Maria was an accountant, so she oversaw the ledgers and financial records for the restaurant. Her documentation indicated the suppliers were paid in full to date. However, several suppliers were complaining via phone calls and demand letters for immediate payment, or they would seek legal recourse and sue for the full balance. Isabella and Ana helped their sister reply to the suppliers, explaining that all the bills have been paid and there must be some mistake on the suppliers’ end. However, after several months of going back and forth with the suppliers, Sofia and Juan finally received legal papers for immediate payment from their largest suppliers, or legal action would commence within thirty days.

What does learning look like in an unconditional family?

After we examined all the financials and invoices, we found Maria had made some critical accounting errors. There were discrepancies with the numbers on the accounts payable, which tracks the payable information for each supplier invoice. The restaurant did, in fact, owe on several invoices. Maria felt terrible about her mistakes. Sofia and Juan were devastated because they did not have enough money to pay these suppliers, as times were slow in their restaurant business. They were upset and concerned they might lose their business and all that they have worked for over their lifetime.

Nonetheless, even in their distress, the whole family came together to try and understand Maria and work out what went wrong.

Isabella and Ana went back to review each invoice with Maria as they rechecked all the paperwork together. Maria discovered she had mistakenly mixed up several invoices and put the numbers in the wrong columns. She was in a rush one evening as she was trying to get home to get her children to bed, and she remembered not following her normal procedures to track payments. Maria felt awful and apologized that she had messed up the books. She was afraid her parents would lose their entire business because of her miscalculations and careless work. Her parents were upset, but they openly displayed understanding and love for Maria. They knew mistakes happen, but they also wanted her to learn from her mistakes, so they worked together through all the numbers.

Why is this important?

It was clear Sofia and Juan had raised their children in an unconditional family culture. They could have yelled at Maria, given her the cold shoulder, and restricted their love. They could have assumed she took the money and reworked the numbers, but they didn’t speculate, and they didn’t make judgments. They worked together in a loving way to seek to understand the problem and what had happened. Maria learned that she cannot work hastily to get the books done because it is easy to make errors with so many numbers. Imagine if this situation had occurred in a conditional family. With judgments, assumptions, and accusations, there would be little or no time for understanding or compassion, and the family would likely become divided over these unintentional mistakes.

Mistakes can happen at any age and stage, and parents who lovingly communicate as they teach their young adult children will maintain a close bond.

Maria’s scenario is an example of how an unconditional family culture with healthy communication through teaching and learning advances the opportunity for discussion that supports an adult child in positive ways as she struggled, and ultimately learned how to problem solve. These problem-solving skills and strategies that Maria learned with her parents now lay the groundwork for conflict resolution skills they may need later if they are confronted with a more complicated family conflict in the future.

As our families learn, mistakes are a natural part of the process. An unconditional family environment will be flexible and allow for creative problem solving—and yes, mistakes. If a family member knows that he/she is loved all the time, that fuels their confidence, self-esteem, and motivation. Situations like these are also opportunities to develop deeper trust between parents and adult children. If parents like Sofia and Juan are supportive during uncomfortable and stressful situations, it gives an added sense of trust for Maria if bigger problems arise, and they must endure conflict resolution together.

Warmly,