Unconditional Parenting Builds Strong Family Connections

Learn the life-changing differences between unconditional and conditional parenting

I have worked with a wide array of families in conflict over the past three decades and I have discovered one critical component: many do not truly understand the difference between conditional and unconditional parenting. In my experience, parents who are conditional do not believe they are. They love their children and would sacrifice for them under any circumstance if needed. However, learning the difference between unconditional and conditional parenting is life-changing.

Let’s take a look at a typical scenario that might happen during the teenage years between a son and his mom to see how a family culture of conditional versus unconditional parenting plays out.

Setting the scene

Mom comes home from work to find Sam, a teen, sitting in a messy kitchen having a snack after school while watching basketball on TV. Sam had promised Mom that morning that he would do the dishes when he got home. Unbeknownst to Sam, his teacher emailed his mom earlier that day to inform her that Sam had flunked a math test.

Scenario 1

Mom comes home and immediately raises her voice at Sam. “I can’t believe you got an F on your math test! What have you been doing all these weeks in math class?” Mom makes assumptions and judgments about why Sam flunked his test. She assumes he must have not studied at all or had not been listening in class. Mom is also angry about the breakfast dishes still in the sink. In a sharp tone of voice she continues, “And why are these dishes still here? You have time for TV, but not your chores.” Sam feels misunderstood and throws down his plate in the sink. He stomps to his room and slams the door.

Mom loves Sam deeply and there isn’t anything she wouldn’t do for him, but she is angry and embarrassed that he flunked a test. As a result, Mom feels that Sam should be punished to teach him a lesson for not doing the necessary work in math class to prepare for the test. After she tells him he is grounded, Mom ignores him and is cool toward him the rest of the evening. Dad is also aloof and doesn’t interact with Sam. Following a tense and quiet dinner, family members retreat to their own corners of the house, and no one talks. As time goes on, the conflict divides the family more and more, but no one ever brings it up again. This is generally how the cycle goes between Sam and his parents when he doesn’t meet expectations. Nothing is resolved and the next incident is similar, repeating the same cycle.

Scenario 2

Mom comes home from work, greets and hugs Sam, and calmly sits next to him in the kitchen. After a few minutes, Mom tells Sam that his teacher emailed her earlier about the math test. She says, “Do you want to tell me what happened with your test? I hear it didn’t go so well.”

Sam then proceeds to tell her about it and how disappointed he was in his grade. “I worked hard, Mom, but I completely bombed the test. I don’t know how I could have done so bad. I have been getting A’s on my other tests, and I thought I was fine with this test too.”

After several questions from Mom about the situation, she realizes that her son worked really hard and studied for several hours, but he still had difficulty with this particular material. She learns that he even went to the teacher several times to ask for help with his math assignments. Sam thought he had the material down, but apparently, he didn’t. Sam felt so depleted about his grade that he just came home to have a snack and take a break before starting on homework. Before he had time to finish the dishes, Mom got home from work.

Mom feels his disappointment. She gives him another hug and says, “I love you. I know your math test didn’t go as you had hoped. Maybe you could work on more practice problems tonight. I could review your answers with you, or you could take them to your teacher before school tomorrow. What do you think about that?”

Sam feels encouraged by this plan. He still feels a bit worn down, but Sam knows he is loved and supported by Mom. This gives him motivation to work on his math and try more problems. Mom reminds him to follow through on doing the dishes as well, and Sam does. Later, they have a nice dinner with the family for a break from studying. They talk further about his plan to retake the test and coordinate with his teacher. Sam feels heard and understood. Dad even shares a story about his struggles with math as a teen and how he was able to find additional help. Communication and unconditional parenting were instrumental to understanding and resolving this issue.

How did the differences between these scenarios change the family dynamic?

The difference between these two scenarios is dramatic, especially with how Mom and Sam communicate and resolve conflict with one another. Conditional parenting comes in various forms, but always with restrictions on when love and support will be provided. Unconditional parenting takes the time to communicate in a way that allows family members to share their points of view before decisions are made. An atmosphere of love and support is cultivated at all times.

How would you react to your child in this type of situation? Similar to scenario 1 (conditional parenting) or more like scenario 2 (unconditional parenting)?

Unconditional parenting will yield benefits for a lifetime. These scenarios, though seemingly minor in the big picture of teen issues, will only strain a family and cause separation among one another if these recurring episodes are handled with conditional parenting. An unconditional family culture will keep your family bonded, help promote a positive environment for your children, and open a channel of healthy communication with them. Unconditional parenting helps our children grow and learn from early childhood to adulthood while maintaining a closely connected family. “How” we role-model as a parent—and whether our children feel supported and loved—are strong indicators of a successful and unconditional family culture.

You have the power to change your family environment. You can readjust the course of a family dynamic with intentional effort and an authentic loving home.

In next month’s newsletter, we will explore a family business and learn why your family culture is important to not only a successful family, but also a thriving business.

Warmly,