When I work with a family or a family business mired in conflict, we always begin with the same question: How did we get here? The answer is often complicated, but invariably, we end up examining the culture of the family to see how it supports (or doesn’t support) the family’s ability to resolve conflicts in a way that keeps them closely bonded. 

There are two types of family cultures—conditional and unconditional. Successful families and thriving family businesses operate within an unconditional culture (malleable), whereas fractured families and struggling family businesses often operate within a conditional culture (breakable). Whether you are raising a family or building a family business, it is essential to take the time to understand and identify these two cultures. It is only then that you can take steps to identify the dynamics of your own family culture and address the real issues that are keeping you and your family members divided.

Conditional and unconditional cultures are often confused because family members in both cases love one another. It’s not about the emotions we feel toward one another, it is about how we choose to behave and interact with each other. The behaviors and skills that enable families to resolve conflict must be learned. They are not innate. The length of a family relationship is determined by how conflict is dealt with between family members.

These behaviors and skills, which include communication and conflict resolution strategies, keep the family bonded and open to learning and accepting one another and each other’s strengths and weaknesses. These skills, behaviors, and habits keep your family close with positive and healthy interactions toward one another.

To illustrate, liken the raising of a family to building a home. The first consideration is a strong foundation—an unconditional foundation; the stability of your home depends on it. The floors above it are important, but interchangeable. We can knock down walls, repaint rooms, and reconfigure closets, but none of that matters if the foundation isn’t secure. 

We can pick up and read endless family, parenting, and self-help books, but all the tricks, tips, and behavioral knowledge are like those rooms above the foundation. They will be most effective when they are executed and rooted in the type of unconditional culture that is the foundation and core of every successful family. 

Conversely, if the foundation of your home is constructed with the type of culture that is conditional, then the comfort, peace, and beauty of the rooms above won’t withstand the shifting and crumbling of the weak foundation.